We come to find out that:Olympic figure skating is as absolutely fixed as a small town judge's speeding ticket. A figure skater tries her own type of fixing by knowing of a goon being hired to "fix" her competitor's kneecaps with a metal pipe. The Olympic Games are awarded to Salt Lake City after systematic, unabashed, and documented bribery of Olympic Selection Committee officials. NBA players in Atlanta spend their after-work hours in fancy hotels getting pleasured, gratis, by local strippers. An ex-NBA player hosts a swell party at his estate, where, reportedly playing with his gun collection, he kills a chauffeur. An ex-NFL lineman spends his early-retirement years driving trucks filled with marijuana around the South. Fathers at a kids' hockey practice disagree over how the game is played, so they fight--with one dad killing the other. Boxing has come down to a convicted rapist and part-time cannibal seeking to ply his trade anywhere that will have him. Boxing judges regularly perform off-Broadway versions of "Three Blind Mice." In fact, they act as if they're figure-skating judges. A former baseball star is alleged to have bet illegally on major league games while serving as manager. And he actually manages to lose most of the wagers. A star NFL linebacker leads his team to the Super Bowl months after beating a murder rap. A star NFL receiver is convicted of conspiring to kill his pregnant girlfriend after being discovered hiding in the trunk of his car. A star NFL tight end is accused of sexually assaulting a 17-year-old at a wild house party with teenagers. The NFL, in fact, seems to manage at least one driving under the influence, barroom assault, or drug possession charge per night among its family. A star baseball player tries to chase down trick-or-treaters in his SUV. A champion Little League team cheats on the age of its star pitcher. A major league baseball player does jail time after having sex with a girl young enough to legitimately play Little League. Hockey players assault one another by smashing sticks into opponents' heads. Showing Olympic sportsmanship, the 1998 U.S. hockey team members pretend they're The Who circa 1969 by destroying their hotel after losing. In true Olympic spirit, the guilty parties refuse to step forward. Racecar drivers act out grudges at 180 mph by playing pinball with each other. A star NFL receiver (unrelated to the one previously mentioned) is caught in a sleazy motel with a hooker and crack. A hockey player is caught in a sleazy motel with a hooker and crack. The mayor of Washington, D.C., is caught in a nicer motel with a hooker and crack. Golf won't let a guy with a disease ride in a cart. A baseball player spits on an umpire. A prominent baseball pitcher holds an impromptu sex-education class in the bullpen. A baseball manager lies about his military service record. Job-hunting football coaches lie about their experience. The miracle comeback of baseball's 1954 New York Giants is accomplished via a mole in the center-field scoreboard stealing opponents' signs and relaying them to the home team. An NFL owner loads up moving vans in the middle of the night and deserts a city and its loyal fans. Major league baseball offers an owner a golden parachute to shut down a 40-year-old franchise. College "boosters" hand out more gifts to "amateur" athletes than Santa does at Christmastime. College "student-athletes" leave school before completing their education...or learning how to read. Athletes eat muscle-bulking additives like they're PEZ. A star NBA player shows his affection for his coach by wrapping his hands around the coach's throat and squeezing. And horse racing has a bad reputation? Lenny Shulman is features editor of The Blood-Horse.
by Lenny Shulman
Date Posted: 2/26/2002 10:19:49 AM
Last Updated: 2/26/2002 4:49:09 PM
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